Funkoars Interview /// 2004

You guys are lining up in Melbourne for Terminal 9 alongside Downsyde, Koolism, Muph + Plutonic, Hyjak n Torcha and 2 Dogs as well as various Breaks and DnB acts. Have you performed to mixed crowds before? What’s the vibe like compared to 100% hip hop heads?

TRIALS: Weve done a few shows and festivals where the line up has been kinda diverse and yeah, it’s a much different vibe I guess but you can still spot the overweight rowdy cunts in the front row. I dont like trying to do that whole “try to reach another market” kind of approach, I don’t really give a fuck about them to be honest, I do it for the hip hop heads and the idiots stupid enough to enjoy our shit.

Talk me through how each of you prepare for shows. I’ve noticed Hons just tries to drink as much as he possibly can before rocking the stage?

TRIALS: After countless fuck ups and all four of us falling off the stage on separate occasions we try to keep the booze levels down before shows but Melbourne always seems to get the better of us or at least Hons. In Perth he jumped off stage half way through a track to get another jug, New Castle couldn’t stand up, last Adelaide show didnt turn up. Hes a trooper.

Kidney Shifters is obviously a crowd favourite at shows, what track do you guys enjoy performing the most?

TRIALS: Shifters is my favourite without a doubt, especially when its an all ages crowd. There is something special about young girls yelling out obscenities their parents probably practiced to get them there.

I hear the Hoods show at Thebarton Theatre was crazy?

TRIALS: man I felt like a fuckin rock star. I stayed back stage the whole jam pretty much drinking free beer after beer watching the show on a few plasma screens we had set up for us. Then of course I came back to earth when someone vomited in our room and left something that I still swear to this day was a genuine nugget of shit in the eski.

So a guy puts a gun to your head and says Funkoars have to open for either J-Wess or Figgkidd. Who do you choose and why?

TRIALS: J-Wess. The most clich’ but honest answer is that I would really enjoy a friendly session of consensual sex with some of his entourage, namely Khalua, Kuliah, what ever her name is. I would enjoy roping her brittle bones into a position of pleasure.

If they were going to make Funkoars – The Movie, which actors would play each of you fools and what would be the basic storyline? I’ve always thought Hons and Corey Haim share an uncanny resemblance.

TRIALS: I reckon that Ryan Styles dude from “Whos line is it anyway?” and “The Drew Carey Show” show would suit Reflux, Sesta wouldn’t agree to the idea and make us remove his character and Hons would be played by that Seth Green cunt. I would probably play myself, im to damn hansom to be kept off the silver screen.

I’ve had a 4-year argument with DJ Mista about the correct spelling of the word ‘Muut’ (as in: axe wound, love tunnel, meat curtains). He says its Moot, Thomas Rock chimed in with Mut, Judge says Mute, but I reckon its Muut. What do you lads think?

TRIALS: For some bizarre reason I had that conversation with Ses yesterday, I’d get him to answer but he’s visiting relatives in Russia and molesting vodka bottles for me. He said something about it being a german word, or croation or something.

Another great debate is beer sizes. You’ve got imperial pints, pots, schooners, middys. It’s a nightmare for your travelling alcoholic. Why can’t we unify them?

TRIALS: Stick to casks. They are pretty and double as floatation devices, and even pillows.

It’s fair to say that Funkoars don’t mind getting on the cans – who do you think is the best drinker in Aussie Hip Hop?

TRIALS: Out of all the cunts I’ve drank with, Natso (Ming Mers), Mexi and NewSense from the Hospice crew are the most maniac motherfuckers without a doubt so yeah, I’d definitely have to say I am the greatest drinker alive. Also I’m really fucking good at bowling.

You guys performed along with Hospice at the Raw show during Sound Summit in Newcastle this year. Firstly, how was your trip to the Steel City and did you guys get anything out of attending the forums?

TRIALS: I didn’t go to any of the forums besides one I was suppose to speak on, I was arse drunk the whole time so I missed a fuck load of shit. What else happened, let me think. My Mate Beats passed out in the hotel spa and woke up while pissing himself. How’s that for a humorous story. Peace to all the hippies at the poetry recital Balboa dragged us along too, first time I’ve heard shaved headed lesbians screaming “CUNT IS A WORD” on a mic and hopefully not the last.

There’s been a big surge of dudes releasing albums over the last 1-2 years. Who do you see as some of the dope new up and comers?

TRIALS: Fuck I dunno, I’m no good at these questions. Vents 1 is definitely going to fuck some shit up in 2005 I guarantee you this, we’re feeding him beats until he vomits up the heat at the moment, its on its way.

Any plans to start recording for your second album?

TRIALS: Yeah we’ve already started shit is well within the works. Pegz hooked us up with a deal on Obese so now we will be reaching your little sisters ears through chain stores. The world will be licking its lips like a pedophile with candy bags asking children to try his lucky dip.

So what else is coming up for the ‘oars?

TRIALS: Vents1 album, New Oars album, my 12″ called “For the ladies” featuring Sesta, Robby Balboa and Vents with me, Sesta and Suffa on the beats., Kirks home movie, Simplex’s sex toy range and probably a fuck load of regrets. Shout outs to Tedious, my wonderful Fiance, Dirty Beats, Hons’s new born twins Jenna and Jameson, Sestas new hair cut and Reflux’s booster seat.

[alert type=blue ]This article was written for by contributor Nineways. [/alert]

[alert type=white ]Ⓒ All Rights Reserved 2002 /// This article originally appeared here on the Forums [/alert]