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Author: Subject: Doctor's Surgery : Sex Lines
Billy
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 11:38 AM
Doctor's Surgery : Sex Lines


Doctor's Surgery : Sex Lines
[FX KNOCK ON DOOR]
Doctor: Come in [FX DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] Ah, yes. Phillip Chade, isn't it?

Matthew Harding: No, it's Matthew Harding.

Doctor: Righto, have a seat.

Matthew Harding: Thanks.

Doctor: Now, what seems to be the problem?

Matthew Harding: Well, I'm quite sore under the arm, er, just here.

Doctor: Right. Well, take your shirt off, let's have a look. [FX TELEPHONE RINGS] (to caller) Hello? Yes, I'm getting hard. Very big and hard in my shorts. Yes. Ah, I've come on my knee. Alright, bye.

[FX RECEIVER IS REPLACED]

Matthew Harding: Err...

Doctor: Sorry about that, there's quite a good reason for it. Now, let's have a look. Just lift up your arm. Yes, glands up there are really quite swollen. Erm, any other symptoms?

Matthew Harding: I must admit I've been feeling...

[FX TELEPHONE RINGS]

Doctor: Oh, excuse me! (to caller) Hello? Yes, I'm gliding my fists over the bulging purple head and sticking my finger up my arse, and exploding in a shower of sticky come. OK, bye.

[FX RECEIVER IS REPLACED]

Matthew Harding: Doctor, er...

Doctor: I'm sorry. I haven't got much choice.

Matthew Harding: What do you mean?

Doctor: Well, we're quite short of cash at the health centre, and we've found that this is quite an efficient way of raising practise funds.

Matthew Harding: Oh?

Doctor: Now, we'd better have a look at you, that's quite a nasty swollen gland. Strip down to your pants and pop on to the couch.

Matthew Harding: Right.

[FX TELEPHONE RINGS]

Doctor: I'm very sorry about this. I'll put the headset on so I can carry on with you. (to caller) Hello? Hang on a sec. (to Matthew Harding) Right, just roll on to your side. Yes. (to caller) I'm staring down at my very hard prick. It's a fucking massive bulb.

Matthew Harding: Doctor!

Doctor: (to Matthew Harding) Won't be long, I'll be with you in a tick. (to caller) I'm pushing in to the soft warmth of your mouth and I'm coming down your throat.

Matthew Harding: Doctor, please!

Doctor: (to caller) Not at all. Goodbye. [FX HEADSET IS REPLACED] Right, well you don't seem to have any other inflammation. We'd better have you checked for glandular fever just in case, but I wouldn't worry.

Matthew Harding: Right. Doctor?

Doctor: Yes?

Matthew Harding: Is that really the only way you can raise money?

Doctor: Well there probably are others, but we haven't come up with a better one so far.

Matthew Harding: Can I ask you what you are raising the money for?

Doctor: Oh, just some sex toys to help the staff here relax.

Matthew Harding: What?

Doctor: Seems to work pretty well. I'll see you again when we've got the results, ok?

Matthew Harding: Sex toys, doctor?

Doctor: Yeah, I know. Unbelievable, isn't it?




- C.Morris.




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SirDrinksAlot
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 12:00 PM


Either that's not funny, or it went right over my head. My guess would be the latter.



No more moving imagery goodness.

Filthy swines.
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simo.iz.sik
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 12:18 PM


some bits were funny but im with SirDrinksAlot...

there mustve been something i missed...




\"What you lookin\' at? You all a bunch of fuckin\' assholes. You know why? You don\'t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin\' fingers and say, \"That\'s the bad guy.\" So... what that make you? Good? You\'re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don\'t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There\'s a bad guy comin\' through! Better get outta his way!\"
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Billy
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 12:24 PM


Little Girl Demands to See a Man's Bottom and Willy
[FX TRAIN TRAVELLING] [FX NEWSPAPER RUSTLES]
Mother, Baby and Girl ENTERS

Mother: Now, let's go and sit down there. [FX BABY CRIES] That's it! Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh! Are you feeling tired? Mmmmm? Is that what it is?

Girl: Mummy?

[FX BABY GRIZZLES]

Mother: Mummy get you a bottle in a minute.

Girl: Mummy?

Mother: I'll get you a bottle in a minute. Just wait.

Girl: Mummy?

Mother: What?

Girl: Has that man got a bottom in his trousers?

Mother: Yes, I should think so [FX BABY GRIZZLES] Shhh, shhh, shhh! All right, I'll get you your bottle in a minute. Just a second.

Girl: Has he, Mummy?

Mother: There we go! There we go!

Girl: Has he?

Mother: Yes!

Girl (to Man): Hello!

Man: Hello!

Girl: Have you got a bottom in your trousers?

Man: No.

Girl: Have you?

Man: No!

[FX NEWSPAPER PAGES TURN]

Girl: Mummy! He says he hasn't!

Mother: Hasn't what?

Girl: Got a bottom!

Mother: Course he has!

Girl: You have got a bottom!

Man: I, umm, yes, of course, of course I've got a bottom, yes.

Girl: Can I see it?

Man: Look, ummm, go away!

Girl: Can I see your bottom, please?

Man: I'm trying to read my paper.

Girl: Can I, please?

Man: No!

Girl: I can!

Man: No, you can't. Really, this is very bad!

Girl: Mummy, I want to see it!

Mother: Excuse me, could you let her have a quick look at your bottom?

Man: Ummm...

Mother: Please?

Man: Ummm, well, I really don't think...

Mother: Can't you just pull your trousers down and let her have a quick look?

Man: I mean, not, not, not here.

Mother: [FX BABY CRIES] I've got my hands full! She just wants a quick look. Just while I feed this one, will that be OK?

Man: Ummm, well, ummm...

Mother: It's not a lot to ask, honestly!

Man: Ummm...

Mother: Just for a minute!

Man: Just quickly [FX TROUSERS UNZIPPED AND PULLED DOWN] There!

Mother: Thanks!

Girl: Is that your bottom?

Man: Yes.

Girl: Is that the man's bottom, Mummy?

Mother: Yes.

[FX GIRL SLAPS MAN'S BOTTOM]

Man: Hey, hey! No!

Girl: Smack the man! [FX SLAPPED BOTTOM] Smack!

Man: This is all going wrong at once.

Girl: Is that your willy?

Man: Hey, hey! Look, look, look! Could you stop this daughter?

Girl: Is that the man's willy, Mummy?

Mother: I expect so, yes!

Man: Can, can, can you please..!

Girl: Can he put it in the cup?

Man: Now, no, this must stop!

Girl: In this cup. Can you put it in this cup?

Mother: Please could you do that? This one's nearly asleep!

Man: Could you please stop the girl!

Mother: Just stick it in the cup for a couple of minutes!

Man: Well, it's...orange...

Mother: It would be a great help.

Man: It'll spill...

Mother: Well, I'll mop it up!

Man: Ummm, people watching...

Mother: Oh, don't be such a baby! Just plop it in the cup!

Man: Ummm...

Mother: Honestly, what's wrong with you?

Man: Nothing...

Mother: Well, come on then!

Man: Oh, bloody hell, hmmmm...

Mother: There you are!

Girl: It's in the cup, Mummy!

Man: No, stop this silly girl! Look at the trousers down there!

Girl: Willy in the cup! Your willy in the cup!

Ticket Inspector: Tickets at the ready...Excuse me, is there something wrong, sir?

Girl: Is your willy orange, now?

Ticket Inspector: I think you should pull your trousers up please, sir? And, er, come with me, please. I think we should sort this out.

Man: You see, I was doing it for the girl...

Girl: Are you going?

Man: The mother said...

Ticket Inspector: This girl made you do it?

Man: No! You see, really, I mean, I didn't..!

Ticket Inspector: I'm sorry about this, madam. Look, come on, sir, come on. Let's go up to the...

Man: Ummm, I mean, why would I stick myself in some cold orange?

Ticket Inspector: Up to the guard's van, please. Just follow me, sir. Come on, sir.

Man: I was doing it to amuse the child, and, er...

Ticket Inspector: Come on!

Man: She wanted to see my bottom...




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simo.iz.sik
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 12:54 PM


^hahahaha... that 1 cracked me up billy...

"Girl: Smack the man! [FX SLAPPED BOTTOM] Smack!

Man: This is all going wrong at once."... hahaha




\"What you lookin\' at? You all a bunch of fuckin\' assholes. You know why? You don\'t have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin\' fingers and say, \"That\'s the bad guy.\" So... what that make you? Good? You\'re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don\'t have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There\'s a bad guy comin\' through! Better get outta his way!\"
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 01:19 PM


hahaa
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 04:45 PM


I would laugh, if it was funny.



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Billy
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 04:52 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by pheer
I would laugh, if it was funny.


That is exactly what I wanted to hear!


Thats why I came back! YES!




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Wigz
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[*] posted on 20-7-2004 at 07:17 PM


billy may i ask why you are so pessimistic
what made you this way?




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Billy
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[*] posted on 21-7-2004 at 10:56 AM


Quote:
Originally posted by Wigz
billy may i ask why you are so pessimistic
what made you this way?



An unhealthily cynical view of humanity, due largely to an observant and analytical nature.




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[*] posted on 21-7-2004 at 11:00 AM


Quote:
Originally posted by Billy
Quote:
Originally posted by Wigz
billy may i ask why you are so pessimistic
what made you this way?



An unhealthily cynical view of humanity, due largely to an observant and analytical nature.


true :nerd:
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[*] posted on 21-7-2004 at 11:03 AM


Some may say that's the definition of being a realist.



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one-inch-punch
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[*] posted on 22-7-2004 at 04:23 AM


that shit's from 'jam', the doctor one.
not sure about the other one.



right now you could be using amazon.co.uk's 1-Click™ ordering system to have that delivered directly into your mailbox.




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[*] posted on 22-7-2004 at 10:25 AM


Quote:
Originally posted by one-inch-punch


right now you could be using amazon.co.uk's 1-Click™ ordering system to have that delivered directly into your mailbox.


ill keep that in mind




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[*] posted on 22-7-2004 at 10:32 AM


thanx for fuckin wastin my time
u son of a hore
eat a dick
and jack off over cartoons
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[*] posted on 22-7-2004 at 12:55 PM


as long as they are cartoons of amusing kittens
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Billy
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[*] posted on 22-7-2004 at 02:48 PM


Quote:
Originally posted by one-inch-punch
that shit's from 'jam', the doctor one.
not sure about the other one.

]

right now you could be using amazon.co.uk's 1-Click™ ordering system to have that delivered directly into your mailbox.



They are transcripts from his radio show Blue Jam.. funniest cunt ever.




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